Do you ever daydream about “what if” ?
What if things had been different and you weren’t in your current condition. If you had realised sooner what your symptoms where indicating too, began the medication earlier or rested more? For me it’s what if I didn’t have my first operation what would my life be like now. What if I hadn’t fully believed my surgeon when he told me at my 6 month post op appointment I would be able to try for another baby to be 5 years down the track on schedule 8 medications and with permanent nerve damage.
Who would I be?
Would I be working again and pursuing a career in the cosmetic nursing industry. Would I be a mum to 4 kids not the beautiful 3 that I have now? Living in Indonesia would that have even happened or could we be somewhere else pursuing further dreams and my biggest unknown would I still be married?
Friends and family hear me talk about my pain, medication and the endless surgeries. I’ve gotten to a point that I actually hate talking about it and answering honestly because to be frank I’m sick of hearing it myself.
Pain is not the only struggle that chronic suffers have to face. When your in pain 24/7 it affects every facet of your life. It’s like a slow domino effect edging in on everything and bowling it over. Important aspects as my kids happiness, social life and intimate relationships and bizarrely my decision making ability or lack thereof!
Pain however has had a positive impact on my life too. I feel now that I really know myself better and that I have a tremendous inner strength and courage. Maybe you are reading this now thinking “positive impact” what the hell is she going on about how could any of what I am going through now be positive but you will if you allow it. (Whole other blog post). It took me 5 years of surgeries and my husband leaving for me to realise my capacity to overcome adversity. I discover how strong I have been and will continue to be and I know it will happen to you too! Be patience and kind and I know not always easy.
So what are your what if’s? I’d love to know.